Kaleidoscope
My abundant gratitude goes to all of the people who have thrived after being shattered and to those who are hanging on to survival for another moment and possibility. I see you. I am so very grateful for all the times that you have seen me and allowed yourself to be seen – even if we are just getting to know each other.
In late 2020 and early 2021, I spent 98% of my day in bed due to excruciating pain that halted my day-to-day activities. There wasn’t much capacity for thinking much less physical efforts. In spite of that or maybe because of it, an intuitive and spiritual journey was revealing experiences where I had yet to process and let go of anger and hurt. It also simplified my life and uplifted an appreciation for all that nourishes me, past and present.
As I began to be more mobile, if I tried to do too much or had an emotionally difficult day, I was blocked from pushing through.
The pain was too much.
The notion of productivity was redefined as my body and spirit were conspiring and calling me to focus internally and heal any blockages that got in the way of lovingly showing up for myself. An invitation to radically re-imagine evolution and be wholly me.
During therapy, things I once brushed over in my sharing turned into inescapable memories of self-betrayal and heartache. Moments that have been buried since childhood and guided my survival instinct to focus outwardly, often neglecting my own needs and desires.
I was uncomfortable with the new level of vulnerability – even in a safe place. My therapist assured me that it takes time to uncover the layers, so I’m continuing to trust this journey, but it’s near impossible work.
In retrospect, it’s no surprise that my body called me to align myself with a more holistic approach to living. Since birth, I was taught about the lie we are taught, the myth of success and hard work within structures of racialized capitalism and misogynistic ideologies. My family was poor and at the center of labor and anti-racist movements. I’ve also experienced the contradictions of social transformation work and the harm that lingers at the surface of our pain.
My body was reminding me that in my quest to contribute to transformation, I allowed myself to enter toxic work environments where I slowly lost focus of my inner wisdom and health. I’ve built an impressive resume but it led me to a job so harmful that I became a shell of myself. I left well beyond the right time, ignoring my own well-being. The grief and pain linger.
There was a period when I had the joy of being in right relationship with my core spirit and natural way of being in the world. In the last year of writing my dissertation, I had a full scholarship that allowed me to work as a consultant while completing school. My daughter was off to college. I moved to Long Beach, Ca and immersed myself in healing practices – intentionally moving my body daily, writing in small locally-owned coffee shops, attending Al-anon meetings, working closely with my therapist and discovering where painful memories lived so I could nurture and heal them, surrounded by healthy friends, dancing, and coming into my own. It was during that time that I met my wife.
There were other special moments wrapped in healing – my visit to Cuba where I floated for hours on the ocean with my ancestors and fell in love with my soul; entering foster care where I rediscovered the value of possibilities for the future; being pregnant and falling in love with the beautiful human growing inside of me and entering the world in pure perfection and raising her; reconnecting with my parents; pure moments of joy with my brother playing Star Trek under our blanket fort when we were young; my wedding ceremony that was love-filled with prayer, earth, fire, air, and water elements, yummy food, family, friends, dancing, and precious moments throughout; being in womyn circles that nurtured my truest self within community; the birth of my grandson and supporting my daughter as she entered motherhood for the first time (she’s a pro now with my precious granddaughter); and the small moments of seeing myself honestly and lovingly.
During those joy-filled experiences, there were also struggles and emotional unpacking that was messy and nonlinear. There were times when I gave up on life and had to be pulled back to another breath. When I betrayed my own desires and thought processes as if they belonged to someone else. It’s not that I didn’t know when something felt off or unsafe, but as an adult I often ignored my internal voice speaking clearly, repeating unhealthy patterns of my childhood.
As a part of my healing, I’m committed to surrounding myself with individuals who have a genuine love and desire to be in communion with one another. My spirit is no longer tolerant of pushing through or being around people who are not value-aligned. Doesn’t mean we have to agree on everything but we have to respect and care about one another. Thank goodness for the solid group of people in my life, including family, friends, and colleagues, who love, support, and are there to remind me of who I am when doubts creep in.
As my body heals, I continue to be mainly quiet. I’m exploring the balance between my contributions to humanity and my solitude. I sit on a couple of boards (nonprofit and socially conscious for-profit), volunteer my skills to an emerging DEI firm, invest in myself as a consultant, slowly but steadily, and spend time writing and building community and confidence as a writer.
My writing has become a space for reflecting and understanding patterns that developed over the years. I’m remembering myself happy and comfortable in my skin versus fighting to feel connected to myself. It’s allowed me to slow down and see the complexities and interwoven layers that form my thoughts, emotions. To be more gentle with myself.
This essay is an affirmation. It’s a reminder that life is multidimensional and I’m uniquely capable of being wholly me. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason – there is no reason that a child or anyone should be harmed or designated as less than by any criteria. I do however understand that everything that happens has a herstory and a future that influences how I show up for myself and those around me.
My wish for all of us who take on too much responsibility for things outside of our control is to quickly recognize when we are on the cusp of curtailing our healing process by ‘pushing through’ and instead have the time to rest and reflect.
Some themes to recognize and honor as I continue on this journey include:
Genuine Community
Nourishment
Family
Water/Beaches
Deliberate and Gentle Healing
Honest Reflections
Inspired by Aishah Shahidah Simmons FB post (thank you, Kevin, for tagging me)
©2021 Haydée Cuza
